We have been trying to conceive our second child for a while now and in the process I have had two miscarriages. While the first one hit me badly the second one hit me hard. I thought I was more okay with things than I guess I really was. After I lost the second one I told myself that things happen for a reason and that we would keep trying. I put myself in a happy mindset and focused on my running and working out. I really thought I was okay with everything. We then tried another month and did not get pregnant. Then we went on vacation and we were unable to try. Then the holidays and some other stuff got in the way and we didn’t try again. Then D and I signed up for our first half marathon. I want to run this marathon and I know I will not run it if I am pregnant. I know I could but I don’t want to. I wouldn’t chance losing the baby. Having two miscarriages doesn’t help that feeling. Running this half marathon will but a lot of strain on my body and I just don’t want to do that.
D and I started talking about baby #2 again. Once we did I found out that I have more reservations about the whole thing than I originally thought. I thought I was okay with everything but I knew my heart just wasn’t into making another baby right now. Not that I would be unhappy if I was pregnant but I guess the second miscarriage just hit me harder than I really thought it did. I then look at baby J and still see my little baby girl. She is still so very needy and she is still just so little to me. I then can’t imagine having a new baby and trying to still spend time with baby J and handle a new baby. Then I think of all the training I have done and all the weight loss and really just don’t want to back track right now. Getting pregnant would be a huge setback and I would have to start back at square one once the baby is born. I also look at the fact that right now I can pick up and go with baby J and its easy. She is getting to a really good age and traveling with her is a breeze now.
I know these all seem like really little petty things and I know everything would work out if I did get pregnant but right now just doesn’t seem like the right time to do this for us. I don’t want baby J to be an only child but if it happens to be that way then I would be okay with that as well. She is my perfect little princess and I am so blessed to just have her. If we end up having another I am sure it will be wonderful too.
For now, D and I have decided to put baby #2 on hold. We are going to continue to train for the half marathon and live life and enjoy the time we have as a family of 3. We will revisit the idea of baby #2 after the half marathon in November.