Is there a right decision?

This week has been challenging to say the least.  I am still trying to process everything. I have cried over and over again and I still have my moments. I have tried to think of all the possible ways this can play out. I was given three options while at the doctors.  1. Wait for my body to miscarry naturally.  2. Use a pill to start the miscarriage.  3. Have a D&C done.

Obviously I would love nothing more than to go in for another ultrasound and see a heartbeat but I am trying to prepare myself for the worst. To top off all the pressure, anxiety and stress I am already feeling add the fact that we leave next Wednesday to go to California for a week.

My body is showing no signs of it having a natural miscarriage and I don’t want this to happen while I am in California.  I don’t want to be in pain and away from my doctor in case something goes wrong. I have never miscarried this far along and I am scared of what to expect and the pain of it all.  My last miscarriage was at 5 ½ weeks and it was very uncomfortable.  I can’t imagine what it will be like at 9 weeks.   I also do not want this to happen at home with baby J there with me and me being so uncomfortable I cannot take care of her. I also think of the fact that if the baby did stop growing almost 3 weeks ago how long can something dead stay in my body before it starts to go bad and affect me in a different way.  So this kind of rules out both options 1 and 2.  So that leaves option 3, a D&C.

I called my doctor yesterday and spoke to her again about all of my concerns. We discussed the options. I told her I wanted to schedule a D&C.  She said that was fine and I could do it one of two ways.  Either I can do it in a surgery center and be sedated or I can do it in the doctor’s office and I would just get a local and have my cervix numbed before the surgery.  She then said she recommends that I use an ipod or something to listen to so I don’t hear what is going on.  That is not something I even want to chance.  I don’t need any more lasting effect or horrible memories of all this than I will already have.  So I opted to have the surgery at the surgery center.  I also wanted to have a final ultrasound done before we do the D&C to verify the baby did stop growing.

I know I need this to make me more comfortable about the decision that I am making.  I need this last ultrasound for the peace of mind and so I know I will not have any what if’s later on.

So with all that being said – I am going in tomorrow morning for another ultrasound. I want to confirm that nothing has changed before I go any further. If nothing has changed then I am scheduled to have a D&C done Monday morning. This has to be one of the worst and hardest decisions I have had to make. I don’t really feel like any decision is the right one but I guess this is the one that makes me feel the most comfortable. I will know that there was nothing more I could do to save my baby and I hopefully will not have regrets afterwards.

The doctor said after the D&C I will be crampy and tired but she said I should be okay to fly on Wednesday. I will have some light bleeding but it shouldn’t last more than a few days. I am hoping that this doesn’t completely ruin our vacation.

I feel like I have to be rushed to make this decision due to our vacation and I am so pissed about that. I can’t move our vacation or we lose all our money. This trip has been planned for over 3 months.  I know my health and well being comes first but I just cannot see losing all our money.  I also feel like it might be a good thing to be gone after all this and try to take my mind off of it a bit.  Not having to worry about if and when a miscarriage will happen should help me enjoy our vacation.  I just wish I had more time to feel more comfortable with all this.

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