Gut Feeling

08 Feb

Our vacation was wonderful.  It was probably the best thing I could have been doing while we waited over a week for our next ultrasound.  I would be lying if I said I didn’t think about things the whole time because every day it was on my mind.  Every morning I woke up and took my temp to see if TODAY was going to be the day I would miscarry.  Luckily, this never happened and I am truly grateful for that.  The activities of the day helped keep my mind off of things for most of the rest of the day.

On Tuesday I was 10 weeks pregnant.  I should have gained weight by now and I should be showing more signs of being pregnant.  I wasn’t   I still have not gained any weight and I am still wearing my same clothes with no problems at all.  My boobs stopped hurting and for the most part the nausea had gone away but I still had a strong sense of smell.  I also had a gut feeling.  I had a gut feeling I was no longer pregnant.  I had no reason to feel this other than I just knew.  I was not bleeding, I was not cramping, I was not showing any signs of miscarrying, I just knew.

I told D how I was feeling and she asked me why and I had no good reason to give her.  I just told he I know that when we go in on Thursday that it would be over.  I started to plan for it and make arrangements to have baby J taken care of while I went in for surgery.   I talked to my mom and my sister and made as many arrangements as I could to get things prepared for the inevitable.

Yesterday morning was our appointment.  We walked in and had the ultrasound.  My gut feeling was right on.  There was no growth and no heartbeat, it was over.  There was still a gestational sac and you could see the baby.  The yolk sac was gone as it should have been as the baby grew.  It looked as if there was some progress but then it stopped.  The bay was still measuring at 6 weeks and the gestational sac was starting to show signs of abnormalities (meaning it was no longer a nice oblong shape – there was a divot on one side).

G (the ultrasound tech) said she was sorry.  D and I just held hands and already knew.  For some reason I thought that being prepared and knowing already the baby was gone would have make it easier but it really didn’t.   G asked what we would like to do and I told her I wanted to schedule a D&C as soon as possible.  She went out to call our doctor and then came back in the room.  My doctor was going out of town and couldn’t do it until Tuesday but the on call doctor could do it for us if we wanted it done before then.  I said yes and we went from there.  We had a brief chat with the on call doctor and I asked to have it done as soon as we could so we could move on.  I needed this to be finished.  I needed to get off this roller coaster we have been on for over a month.  I needed to find peace and closure with this.

We were scheduled for the D&C at 2:30 yesterday afternoon.  I got to the hospital at 1:30 and was taken back to pre-op by 2.  I had 4 nurses in my room almost immediately.  I was told I was wanted in surgery at 2:30 so this was all going to happen pretty quickly – and it did.  In 30 minutes I had all my vitals taken, hooked up to a heart rate monitor, had an IV put in my hand, asked a million questions by 3 different nurses, and then was visited by the surgery nurse, anesthesiologist, and the doctor.  D was allowed to come back and see me before I was taken to surgery.  She gave me a big hug and I lost it.  The tears just started to flow.  Up until then I was doing okay.

D left and I was wheeled into surgery.  I was given some meds to help me relax and I as wheeled away.  Last thing I remember was the lovely mask of gas.  I woke up in recovery to my wonderful wife standing next to me holding my hand.  I looked at her and just started to cry.  She hugged me and we both just cried.  The nurse said she was very sorry for our loss and to take all the time we needed.  I cried and cried and it seemed like forever.  Finally I was able to compose myself.  The nurse came in and asked how I was feeling.  I was doing okay physically.  I was not in any pain.  I was given juice and crackers and a whole bag of IV fluids.  The nurse told me I was really dehydrated and this would help.  It was now 3:30 and I had not had anything to eat or drink since 8pm the night before.  No wonder I was dehydrated.  The doctor came in and gave me pain meds and told me to take them when my pain levels got to a 3 or 4 out of 10.  He said that if I let the pain go further than that it can cause my blood pressure to rise and make my temp rise and increase the chances of infection.  I was told not to be a hero and take my pain meds as often as I needed.  He was very nice.

By about 5pm we were allowed to go home.  I was very much still out of it and very tired.  It had been a very long and emotional day.  I was up about every 3 hours throughout the night.  I was crampy but not in any major pain.  I feel like I have been punched in my gut numerous times.  I also found that bending over is not a great idea.  Baby J is having a hard time understanding all of this and why mommy can’t pick her up right now.  Some things are difficult to explain to a 3 year old.  I was very happy to get some wonderful cuddles from my little princess last night – Definitely great healing medicine.

This morning I am much more uncomfortable than I was yesterday.  Very crampy and I feel a pinching sensation every so often.  I am taking pain meds as directed by the doctor and will be resting most of the day.  D went to work this morning and my mom will be here to help with baby J.  I also have a wonderful friend coming to pick her up and take her for a play date.  I am sure that will be good for her.

Thank you for all the well wishes from everyone.  I am blessed to have such wonderful family and friends and a great world of bloggers.  🙂


Posted by on February 8, 2013 in TTC


Tags: ,

12 responses to “Gut Feeling

  1. Jaxcarrie

    February 8, 2013 at 10:17 am

    Big hug to you, D and J. So sorry you have to go thru this. Love and prayers your way.

  2. loseitbig

    February 8, 2013 at 10:26 am

    I wish you guys the best. It’s times like this that we learn to cherish the ones around us. Especially, your little Baby J.

  3. Emily

    February 8, 2013 at 10:38 am

    I’m sorry.

  4. Booking It with Runner Sami

    February 8, 2013 at 12:13 pm

    My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family. I’m glad your California trip went well and that you have those fun memories.

  5. Lindsay

    February 8, 2013 at 3:39 pm

    There are no words – be easy on each other.

  6. KJ and the Kids

    February 8, 2013 at 3:55 pm

    I am so sorry !
    I hope you are feeling better soon.
    Love to you guys !

  7. Katie

    February 8, 2013 at 7:42 pm

    Hey, there, Sweetie. I love you all very much and we are thinking of you and praying for you. I’m sorry you’ve experienced such losses in your life. I LOVE YOU.

  8. Terry

    February 8, 2013 at 8:57 pm

    Hoping you heal quickly and have health and happiness in your future. Love you guys!!!

  9. 2aussiemammas

    February 9, 2013 at 1:06 am

    I’m so sorry that this has happened 😦 There really isn’t anything that anyone can say…

    My advice though? Be kind to yourselves, go at your own pace with your grief and take big deep breaths x

  10. Joe Ehrich

    February 11, 2013 at 1:57 pm

    I have tears of grief running down my face because I know how excited you were when you first found out about being pregnant. I’m really sorry that this has happened. I hope you have a fast recovery and that you are able to have another child at some point without all of the dramatic turns. I miss you guys, I love you and I wish you guys well.

  11. Olive

    February 11, 2013 at 7:31 pm

    I’m so deeply sorry.

  12. glamcookie

    February 28, 2013 at 7:20 pm

    I don’t know how I missed this, but wanted to say how very sorry I am for your loss. I had a miscarriage prior to having DS and remember how gut-wrenching it was. Thinking of you and hoping your recovery is going well.


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