Recovery has taken longer than I expected it to take. I thought I would be back to normal after a few days and be able be up and moving around and starting to feel normal again. This has not been the case.
The day after the surgery I was pretty uncomfortable and the pain meds kept me pretty much out of it and tired. I was taking two pain meds every 4 hours. The next day I thought for sure I would be feeling better but no. I was still taking two pain meds every 4 hours and then adding in 3 anti-inflammatories every 4 hours – alternating the 4 hours so I was taking something every 2 hours. I was very uncomfortable. The next day was no better. I was shocked at how uncomfortable I still was and how many pills I was still taking. I had ordered to not lift anything over 10 pounds and I was trying my best to not lift baby J but it is so hard for her to understand why all of a sudden I cannot pick her up. I did breakdown once and pick her up and that night I started bleeding a lot more. I knew I screwed up but there was nothing I could do no. I was careful to not pick her up after that.
By Monday I was down to one pain med every 4 hours and still alternating with the anti-inflammatories. I went out to meet with my moms group this day. I really thought that would be good for me but I was not feeling well and I did my best to manage. By about noon I was really hurting and just wanted to get home to rest. It was good to get baby J out and run for a while though. I just really felt like I was in a fog and was having a hard time being out of my house.
Tuesday I went to work for the first time. I was still on one pain med and the anti-inflamatories. I didn’t anticipate my work place to bring me so much heartbreak. I had my co-workers coming up and telling me how sorry they were and though I appreciate the support and sympathy it was so hard to keep from crying. I did cry when most of them left and I cried three other times for no reason at all. This turned out to be my worst day emotionally I have had. I was a mess. I was so tired and so emotional and I just wanted to be home and cuddling in bed with baby J. I did what I needed to do at work and I headed home.
Wednesday was a busy day at home and the first day I did not take any pain meds. I just took anti-inflammatories every 4 hours. I was starting to feel more like me and I was happy to be off the pain meds. I actually got to vacuum the house a bit. Nothing major though. Yesterday I had a moms group at my house and I felt more normal than I have in over a week. It was actually nice to have the moms around. Today I have not taken any meds and so far I am doing well. Although it is 1:30pm and I still have not taken a shower yet.
It really has been amazing the amount of love and support I have gotten. It is so nice to know that we have so many people pulling for us. It is also so amazing at how lonely I feel even with all this love and support. It is so hard to deal with all of this. It is so hard to not feel like yourself and do anything that you want to do and be in a constant fog. It is so hard to look at my beautiful daughter and think of what this baby would have looked like, what kind of personality would it have and how they would have gotten along. It is also so hard to look at her and think that I have failed to provide her a sibling again. I have failed to give her the joy of a brother or sister and later the joy of nieces and nephew and to be an aunt. I so want her to have this and I so want another child or two and it is just so hard to deal with the emotions of it all. I cry over this many times and usually when I am alone. I don’t know if anyone truly understand what I am feeling and I hate to feel like such a failure. I want so much to have my life back and to get past this and have the feeling of wanting to try again but I just don’t know how to get there. I don’t know how many times I can keep going through this. One of the things that hit me the hardest was when I was laying in the hospital waiting to go into surgery. I had a nurse asking how many times I have been pregnant. My response was 5. Then she said how many children do I have. My response was 1. That hit me so hard and still does. I have 4 little angle babies up in heaven and I so wish I had them here with me. I at least know they are all together and someday I will have answers as to why they are there and not here but today I don’t. Today I cry for them and pray that I will feel more normal soon and wonder when this fog that I have been living in will go away.
Monday I have my follow-up appointment and I really hope I will be cleared to return to my normal activities. I want to get back to running and working out. I really feel I NEED to get back to this to try to return to a normal lifestyle. Again I thank all of you for all the support I have gotten. It really has meant so much to me.