Being a mother was something I have always wanted to be. Something I felt I was meant to be. The one part of my hopes and dreams from my childhood that was non-negotiable. One way or another I was going to be a mother and when my relationships crumbles and that hope and dream seemed impossible I reminded myself that I didn’t NEED another person to be a mother, I could do it all on my own. I find it funny how life plays out.
I was at rock bottom when I decided to change my life and regain my faith. This is when I met D, when I was at the end of my rope and ready to throw in the towel and finally stopped trying to live by my rules and what I thought I needed. I was in no place to be in a relationship let alone be a mother but there were bigger plans for me than I thought.
Today my life is so much different and so much better than I could have ever imagined. My days are long and hectic and filled with so much love and joy.
In an hour I will hear the footsteps of a toddler’s bare feet on the hard wood floors. These footsteps will get louder and louder as they come across the house to my room. She will be standing in my doorway with the crazy bed head she wakes up with every morning and will ask “Where’s mama?”. I will reply “Mama is at work. She gave you kisses before she left. She loves you and will be home as soon as she is done.” Baby J will accept that answer and will come over and climb into bed with me. I will get the biggest, best cuddle ever and then I will hear “Can I have some juice please?”. I will start to get out of bed to get her juice and she will beg me to take her with and give her more cuddles. I comply and we go get juice and I continue to have the tight hug of a toddler around my neck. After getting juice we crawl back into bed and watch cartoons and cuddle.
The day moves on and gets hectic, crazy, and chaotic. We are on the move, running around, taking care of what needs to be done for the day. We have play dates, work, household chores that need to be tackled. There are battles of wills and there are full on meltdowns some days. There are days where there just seems like there is not enough time in the day and I am just exhausted at the end. There are days when I am so grateful to see D walk through the door so I can have 5 minutes to myself. Then there is still dinner, baths, and bedtime.
At the end of the day I crawl into my bed and once again I hear the footsteps of a toddler’s bare feet on hardwood floors coming into my bed for night time cuddles. There are times when I wish she would just fall asleep in her own bed but I never deny her the love and cuddles that she requests. I will hold her and love on her and be there for her always. I lay there with her curled up in my arm. She is safe and loved and she falls asleep. I look at how big she is getting. I see how far she stretches out in the bed now. I see how her legs are wrapped around her mama and her arms are wrapped around me. I remember how little she use to be and how she would fit right on my chest when she slept.
I scoop her up and walk her to her room. Her body is still so small but she is getting so big. She is a precious sleeping child that I would do anything for. I hold her and think about the day that I won’t be able to do this anymore. I think about the time I have with her and how no matter what the days bring I will always give my child the time she needs. I lay her in her bed and move the hair out of her face. I lean down and give her a kiss and pray she will always be safe and protected.
I look down at my sleeping daughter and I see how fast she is growing up. I see her turning from a toddler to a pre-schooler. She is no longer a baby that’s for sure. She is sweet and kind and thinks of others. She says things that crack me up and she says things that make me shake my head in dismay. And soon enough she will be off to school I will wonder when she grew up enough to go to school.
She is still so small to me. She is still my little baby. She will always be the one that made me a mother. So while she is small I will love every minute I have with her. I will always be there for her. I will always take the time to give her a hug and a kiss and tell her how much she is loved. I cherish the time I have with her while she is small because I see her growing up way to fast.